Today, we're going to play a little game. It's been a really bad week for the Government, and they're scrambling like mad to cover their respective asses while simultaneously rolling out new terror info in an attempt to throw the media off the trail. The result is that some odd new stories have been coming to light. So here's what we'll do: I have two stories that have what I believe are unbelievable elements. I'll present them, and your objective is to figure out which one is the most deranged. A no-prize to anyone who guesses which story will be contradicted first.

Here we go: Story #1 and Story #2. Read through both, or just check out the synopsis.

THESIS:
#1 - The value of Cheney's stock options (mostly Halliburton) have gone up more than 3,000% over the past year.
#2 - An intercepted letter from al-Qaeda reveals the roots of a plan for Iraq.

THE RIDICULOUS PART:
#1 - Cheney claims he's giving all $8 million in profit to charity.
#2 - The letter was sent by al-Qaeda's #2 in Iraq.

THE OBVIOUS JOKE:
#1 - I hate to break it to Dick, but Lynne Cheney doesn't qualify as a "charity."
#2 - Either they have a lot of #2s or al-Qaeda's zombification project is really coming along.

THE REALLY CONVENIENT PART:
#1 - According to Cheney, his Halliburton stock doesn't constitute a financial interest in Halliburton. Yes, he's really arguing that.
#2 - Quote: "The aftermath of the collapse of American power in Vietnam - and how they ran and left their agents - is noteworthy. ... We must be ready starting now." How convenient - he's saying the exact same thing as the administration.

THE PART I COMPLETELY MADE UP, BUT WOULD FIT ANYWAY:
#1 - Cheney: "Even if I was connected to Halliburton - which I'm not - it's not like they would have given me that much money. Now, if you'll excuse me, Lynne and I are going airplane shopping."
#2 - Zarqawi: "Also, we must be wary not to further inflame the passions of the Great Devil Bush, for he will surely smite us with his unswerving courage and honor, unlike that cowardly John Kerry who would surely have handed us the reigns of power. Also, Michael Moore is fat."

RELATIVE GOODNESS AS DICTATED BY THE GERMATRICULATOR:
#1 - 68%
#2 - 66%